The elephant in the room
I guess it's not really any an elephant. I mean, it's a problem and we've noticed it. We aren't ignoring it or anything, but I am definitely at a loss of how to proceed. Normally, therapy or something I've learned from therapy would help at this point but I'm not going and I can't find my own solution at this point.
I guess before I get started, I should give a little background. All of you have mentioned alot about yourselves, your past, on these blogs and I've kind of hidden here behind the monitor. I don't talk about my past much. Mostly because I've found, for me, that if I don't write or talk about it, I make it through the day a lot happier person. I used to journal incessantly. I journalled (sp?) since I was 15 years old. And I was very unhappy most of that time. I don't know if there's a correlation but I'm not so unhappy now. I don't get so depressed and my outlook is pretty good.
Now, don't get me wrong. I grew up in a very safe environment, completely different than what I've read of you. I almost cringe in personal shame when I read your pain.. In shame of myself and my years of sadness, when it seems I really had it good. The things you have had to go through! Wow, what strong women you are. I'm honored to know you. And blessed.
My sadness/depression came from years of just wanting to be good enough for my dad. Nothing I did seemed good enough, I didn't look good enough (in fact, was 'fat and ugly' on one occasion), not smart enough and because I dressed in black and dyed my hair, I 'must be on drugs'. Funny how a 3.98 GPA in high school and the youngest varsity softball player at my school managed to skip his view. I don't know. I never understood, although I do understand more now.
My dad is from Chile, he grew up there until he was 17. My grandmother was kind of domineering and if i'd been watching closely, I would've realized that he learned how to talk to me from her. She wasn't the most positive of women, probably a result of her dear husband dying in a car accident when they were hit by a drunk driver when he was 46. I never met my grandfather (and frankly, never heard that much about him either) but I can understand how that might make her bitter. She was bounced around between the three sons for a number of years until they couldn't deal with it anymore (my feeling) and they bought her an apartment in Florida where she lived the rest of her unhappy days. Don't get me wrong, I liked her a lot. She was just very bitter.
Back to my dad. So anyhow, he always has this tone (notice I say HAS, it's still there, I'm just dealing with it better) that is always questioning, always accusing. He is VERY opinionated and it would seem his is the only opinion. It's frustrating at the best of times but as with everything else, I've started to deal with it better.
Anyhow, I grew up with this 'tone', this feeling that I didn't really know what I was doing and it's permeated my life. It's actually causing a bit of a problem with M and I because I react to him when he gives me that 'tone'. He doesn't know what he's doing and I can't explain it, I just get defensive and angry, then he does, then we argue about it and it's still there.
Example: I am in the process of planning to paint the dining room. I am going to mix a mocha color and a creamy color to make a lighter brown/coffee shade. All he did was ask me how I was going to mix it but it sounded like 'there is no way you are going to be able to mix that, what are you thinking?'. I get defensive rather than answer him. I can't seem to answer him calmly. I automatically think that he's challenging my ability and it irks me. I'm 36 years old, I know I can do these things, yet I feel like a kid again.
The thing is, my dad never once said I did anything right. Not that I can remember. He never said, 'oh yeah, that's a good idea', when he asked me something. Of course, maybe I didn't give him time. I was too busy getting defensive!! LOL It hasn't been until recently that my dad has said anything complimentary about me. Usually he says it to M (but I'm there so I hear it too). I'm a great driver. I'm a good athlete - it's great that I like to hike and walk. It's great that I love to travel. Okay, so not too many things but I realize
he just doesn't know how to say the good things. He's just never had them said to him.
So where does that leave me? I need some answers for myself before I do something to screw this up. M is afraid to point out anything to me, to suggest anything to me to try (whether cooking or painting or tree decorating or light hanging!) because he's afraid of me taking his head off. I can understand that. I don't know what to do. I know I react although this last time, I tried to take a deep breath first. It didn't work but I'm more aware. I guess it's just something I have to work on. But if anyone has any suggestions, I'm open!
I have to say too, as a last comment, that I wonder if it's all related to my feelings last week about feeling worthless right now because I'm not accomplishing anything. If I was working or creating something, if I feel worthy, maybe I wouldn't react so much to M's suggestions. Like I need to believe that I CAN do something on my own, without anyone's help, like I used to. I don't know. Just a thought.
I guess before I get started, I should give a little background. All of you have mentioned alot about yourselves, your past, on these blogs and I've kind of hidden here behind the monitor. I don't talk about my past much. Mostly because I've found, for me, that if I don't write or talk about it, I make it through the day a lot happier person. I used to journal incessantly. I journalled (sp?) since I was 15 years old. And I was very unhappy most of that time. I don't know if there's a correlation but I'm not so unhappy now. I don't get so depressed and my outlook is pretty good.
Now, don't get me wrong. I grew up in a very safe environment, completely different than what I've read of you. I almost cringe in personal shame when I read your pain.. In shame of myself and my years of sadness, when it seems I really had it good. The things you have had to go through! Wow, what strong women you are. I'm honored to know you. And blessed.
My sadness/depression came from years of just wanting to be good enough for my dad. Nothing I did seemed good enough, I didn't look good enough (in fact, was 'fat and ugly' on one occasion), not smart enough and because I dressed in black and dyed my hair, I 'must be on drugs'. Funny how a 3.98 GPA in high school and the youngest varsity softball player at my school managed to skip his view. I don't know. I never understood, although I do understand more now.
My dad is from Chile, he grew up there until he was 17. My grandmother was kind of domineering and if i'd been watching closely, I would've realized that he learned how to talk to me from her. She wasn't the most positive of women, probably a result of her dear husband dying in a car accident when they were hit by a drunk driver when he was 46. I never met my grandfather (and frankly, never heard that much about him either) but I can understand how that might make her bitter. She was bounced around between the three sons for a number of years until they couldn't deal with it anymore (my feeling) and they bought her an apartment in Florida where she lived the rest of her unhappy days. Don't get me wrong, I liked her a lot. She was just very bitter.
Back to my dad. So anyhow, he always has this tone (notice I say HAS, it's still there, I'm just dealing with it better) that is always questioning, always accusing. He is VERY opinionated and it would seem his is the only opinion. It's frustrating at the best of times but as with everything else, I've started to deal with it better.
Anyhow, I grew up with this 'tone', this feeling that I didn't really know what I was doing and it's permeated my life. It's actually causing a bit of a problem with M and I because I react to him when he gives me that 'tone'. He doesn't know what he's doing and I can't explain it, I just get defensive and angry, then he does, then we argue about it and it's still there.
Example: I am in the process of planning to paint the dining room. I am going to mix a mocha color and a creamy color to make a lighter brown/coffee shade. All he did was ask me how I was going to mix it but it sounded like 'there is no way you are going to be able to mix that, what are you thinking?'. I get defensive rather than answer him. I can't seem to answer him calmly. I automatically think that he's challenging my ability and it irks me. I'm 36 years old, I know I can do these things, yet I feel like a kid again.
The thing is, my dad never once said I did anything right. Not that I can remember. He never said, 'oh yeah, that's a good idea', when he asked me something. Of course, maybe I didn't give him time. I was too busy getting defensive!! LOL It hasn't been until recently that my dad has said anything complimentary about me. Usually he says it to M (but I'm there so I hear it too). I'm a great driver. I'm a good athlete - it's great that I like to hike and walk. It's great that I love to travel. Okay, so not too many things but I realize
he just doesn't know how to say the good things. He's just never had them said to him.
So where does that leave me? I need some answers for myself before I do something to screw this up. M is afraid to point out anything to me, to suggest anything to me to try (whether cooking or painting or tree decorating or light hanging!) because he's afraid of me taking his head off. I can understand that. I don't know what to do. I know I react although this last time, I tried to take a deep breath first. It didn't work but I'm more aware. I guess it's just something I have to work on. But if anyone has any suggestions, I'm open!
I have to say too, as a last comment, that I wonder if it's all related to my feelings last week about feeling worthless right now because I'm not accomplishing anything. If I was working or creating something, if I feel worthy, maybe I wouldn't react so much to M's suggestions. Like I need to believe that I CAN do something on my own, without anyone's help, like I used to. I don't know. Just a thought.
posted by grrltraveler at Wednesday, December 15, 2004
4 Comments:
Is M aware of your background with your Dad? If so, maybe he can help you with this. Sometimes if we let them in on the *thing* and give them permission to gently guide us in a different direction it helps.
Hubby has been great about that with me. I told him a long time ago that it really scared me to argue. So, I'd do anything to avoid an argument. Once he learned this, he started prodding me to share with him how I *really* felt about a situation even if it meant getting into a heated discussion. We never yell, which is good because I don't think I could emotionally handle that. But now I do share anger or dissapointment with him even if I know it'll end up in an arguement or angry feelings.
It took almost a year to get to this point though....
I think that's part of the reason I shared some of my blog with C. I haven't given him the link to it, because I still need to keep a little bit of me to me. But I know there are times when I'm contradictory or hypocritical and having him read some of my thoughts is my way of explaining why I behave in certain ways at times. He hasn't spoken to me about the email I sent him. But he'll acknowledge certain things if we're in the middle of a conversation, by using a phrase or repeating something I've said...so I know he's taking it in.
I really have a problem with tone too. If I feel like I'm being *told*, you can be sure I'll react negatively....and will probably go out of my way not to do what I feel like I've been 'told' to do. LOL
What you said about your dad is like what it's like for me with my mum. I was the one dressed in black (complete with black nails, lips, eyes, you name it) and who couldn't ever quite be good enough to be complimented.
Blah...this isn't about me. You know, I agree with RG. Have you sat down and explained this to M, or tried to write it down in a way he'll understand? You might be able to take it to a place where he'll start to recognise and consider the tone of what he's saying and you'll consider your reaction.
Oh and A, we've all been through stuff in our lives. It may not be the same stuff, but there are certain emotions that are similar, even under different circumstances, and there are differing types of pain. It doesn't make any one type less than the other for the person experiencing it. We've all come a long way. We've all survived. That's the important thing.
(/end essay) ;-)
Try this comment again, darnit. I tried twice yesterday.
First, I'm with the other ladies as far as letting M in on the whole thing. For me, there are certain words as well as tones that I just cannot handle, and I was forced to tell B that in order to protect us both from me. lol
Secondly, don't compare the circumstances that have caused your pain with anyone else's. Everyone has different experiences, and the point is that something has hurt. I feel sure I can speak for all of us when I say we don't judge the validity of a problem or a feeling by degrees. We are here for you if you need us, the same way we would be for the happy stuff.
Thirdly! It sounds like you want something to keep you from reacting as well as a way to make sure M knows it's not really him. My suggestion is sort of a silly one, but what I've done is come up with a particular phrase that is a line from my favorite dirty blonde joke. If I or anyone else sees me starting to react to something badly, we quietly say that phrase. I say it to myself to sort of catch myself. Other people say it to me as a reminder. Because it makes me laugh it gives me a moment of release and smiling, and as long as I'm smiling and letting go of the tension that I've started to build up, I can't be reacting badly, can I? Don't know if it helps, but there it is.
seem to be writing a novel here! And I don't even know what I'm talking about! lol
hugs,
R
Ooh R just reminded me of that line out of that Bridget Fonda movie, The Assassin. Whenever she got really stressed out and was going to lose it, she was told to say, "I never did mind about the little things", or something like that, with a smile on her face.
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