How to disappear completely
Warning: This is going to a long vomitous blog with a dash of self-disgust and self-pity. Read at your own risk.
That title is the title of a Radiohead song. I was just listening to it and thought how appropriate it is to how I feel today. Add to that a bit of PMS and you have some blubbering. And now for a very therapeutic blog. LOL
Let me just start by saying that I moved here to be with M. I sold my condo, quit my job and left my friends to be with a person I deeply love. I am happy to be here with him.. so lucky to be here with him! I know this. He is so good to me, works his butt off and loves me better than I've ever been loved before. I know how lucky I am. I am having the relationship I've always wanted to have...
In the process, I seem to be losing myself. I always joked with my friends about how they lived for their jobs. All my girlfriends identified themselves with their work, I just worked doing something I enjoyed but didn't feel tied to. But I realize now that, in a way, it defined me too. It made me feel like I was accomplishing something, like I mattered, I guess. Like I was an important member of society. Like I was learning something. Something like that. I can't tell you. I only know that right now, I feel like crap.
M has started online trading. The last 4 days he's been on the computer from 8am - 5pm, pretty much, reading and researching and checking his stocks. I think this is great in theory, I think it's a great job for him to do because if we move back to the States, or Spain, or Greece or wherever, this is a job he can take with him. But as we have only one computer, it means that any outlet I had for myself is now taken away. On top of that, it means he is here all day, only he is here all day but not with me. (I know, I sound like a spoiled child, bear with me, I know it's PMS talking) When he leaves the computer to use the bathroom, I run up and check my email and read my friends' blogs. I can't write in my own blog. Not enough time.
Sometimes when I come upstairs to get online, he slags me about not wanting to spend time with him. Don't even get me started there.. ooh, it makes me mad! I know he's joking but right now, I'm not in a joking mood. I'm in a 'I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling a little worthless and you are not making things better' mood. Monday, I went to the animal shelter. We discussed going to look for paint after I returned. I assumed it was an appt so I left my work after 2 hours to come home to find him online for another hour. So I could've stayed working and didn't and then had to wait for him. Ok, it didn't make me happy. I know it's something I have to work out, I'm not blaming him. It just made me tetchy.
I've been in a crap mood all day. I don't want to talk to him about it because well, I have. And the reality is, this is my problem. I absolutely CANNOT get my ass motivated to do ANYTHING. Somehow I can get to the gym. That's easy enough. But then I come home and have lunch, clean kitchen, straighten up house (I've cleaned like a fiend lately because it's the only thing i feel like I can control), read this book that's taking me forever, watch tv, then I don't want to go out because the traffic is bad or whatever. I mean, I have a million and one excuses. And I know I mentioned this in a post before, when I have more to do, I'm more likely to do it. When I have nothing, I can procrastinate til the cows come home. I'm procrastinating my life away currently.
(..tears..)
I feel so silly. Like I'm looking for something to be wrong with my life. when I read about the girls and their serious health issues, I feel like such a shit for complaining about this. I have NOTHING to complain about. I'm healthy. I'm living a life that many of the LDR girls would love- being with the man they love.
I'm feeling out of control..
So, I know what will happen. This PMS will go away. I will make a little list of things I can do and I will check the things off, one day at a time. Because I've been here before, depressed and feeling hopeless. I know it will go away but today, I need to talk about it. Because I feel alone here. Good night.
That title is the title of a Radiohead song. I was just listening to it and thought how appropriate it is to how I feel today. Add to that a bit of PMS and you have some blubbering. And now for a very therapeutic blog. LOL
Let me just start by saying that I moved here to be with M. I sold my condo, quit my job and left my friends to be with a person I deeply love. I am happy to be here with him.. so lucky to be here with him! I know this. He is so good to me, works his butt off and loves me better than I've ever been loved before. I know how lucky I am. I am having the relationship I've always wanted to have...
In the process, I seem to be losing myself. I always joked with my friends about how they lived for their jobs. All my girlfriends identified themselves with their work, I just worked doing something I enjoyed but didn't feel tied to. But I realize now that, in a way, it defined me too. It made me feel like I was accomplishing something, like I mattered, I guess. Like I was an important member of society. Like I was learning something. Something like that. I can't tell you. I only know that right now, I feel like crap.
M has started online trading. The last 4 days he's been on the computer from 8am - 5pm, pretty much, reading and researching and checking his stocks. I think this is great in theory, I think it's a great job for him to do because if we move back to the States, or Spain, or Greece or wherever, this is a job he can take with him. But as we have only one computer, it means that any outlet I had for myself is now taken away. On top of that, it means he is here all day, only he is here all day but not with me. (I know, I sound like a spoiled child, bear with me, I know it's PMS talking) When he leaves the computer to use the bathroom, I run up and check my email and read my friends' blogs. I can't write in my own blog. Not enough time.
Sometimes when I come upstairs to get online, he slags me about not wanting to spend time with him. Don't even get me started there.. ooh, it makes me mad! I know he's joking but right now, I'm not in a joking mood. I'm in a 'I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling a little worthless and you are not making things better' mood. Monday, I went to the animal shelter. We discussed going to look for paint after I returned. I assumed it was an appt so I left my work after 2 hours to come home to find him online for another hour. So I could've stayed working and didn't and then had to wait for him. Ok, it didn't make me happy. I know it's something I have to work out, I'm not blaming him. It just made me tetchy.
I've been in a crap mood all day. I don't want to talk to him about it because well, I have. And the reality is, this is my problem. I absolutely CANNOT get my ass motivated to do ANYTHING. Somehow I can get to the gym. That's easy enough. But then I come home and have lunch, clean kitchen, straighten up house (I've cleaned like a fiend lately because it's the only thing i feel like I can control), read this book that's taking me forever, watch tv, then I don't want to go out because the traffic is bad or whatever. I mean, I have a million and one excuses. And I know I mentioned this in a post before, when I have more to do, I'm more likely to do it. When I have nothing, I can procrastinate til the cows come home. I'm procrastinating my life away currently.
(..tears..)
I feel so silly. Like I'm looking for something to be wrong with my life. when I read about the girls and their serious health issues, I feel like such a shit for complaining about this. I have NOTHING to complain about. I'm healthy. I'm living a life that many of the LDR girls would love- being with the man they love.
I'm feeling out of control..
So, I know what will happen. This PMS will go away. I will make a little list of things I can do and I will check the things off, one day at a time. Because I've been here before, depressed and feeling hopeless. I know it will go away but today, I need to talk about it. Because I feel alone here. Good night.
posted by grrltraveler at Wednesday, December 08, 2004
4 Comments:
Wow...ya know, my ex and his friends got into shares in a big way a couple of years before I moved out. He'd go to work, go straight from work to his courses, then come home and spend all night on the computer analysing stuff. I felt like an annoyance even asking him a basic question about anything. I'd watch tv, read books etc, but I needed that interaction. He was there, but he wasn't there. I understand that he truly thought he was doing what was best for 'us' and that it'd pay off eventually. I just didn't like it very much at the time.
Maybe you're feeling a little how I've been feeling the last few months - like your worth is determined by how much of a constructive contribution you're making, and when you feel like you're doing nothing, it directly correlates with your mood.
Like Mel says, you aren't your circumstances. Besides, you're still adjusting and (as frustrating as it is) sometimes it takes time. Don't feel bad for feeling bad.
(((((((((((((((((((((A))))))))))))))))))))))
E :-)
((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))) Ya know, we all have our "thing". Even though my "thing" might be different than your "thing", I still understand and I have complete empathy for you.
I do know how it feels to be defined by something, then have it taken away. I think we've all had various definitions of ourselves, only to find that we have to redefine. Parenthood, marriage, jobs, etc.
I used to get mad at hubby that he'd go to the pub after work every day. He'd always be home by dinner time, but I got crabby about it anyway. When he asked me what was so upsetting about it, I really couldn't give him a good answer. I finally decided that I was a bit jealous that he had a life outside of home and I didn't. Gah!
I haven't moved to Ireland, but sometimes feel that I might as well have. I moved almost two hours away from my kids, my sister and my friends. I haven't taken the time or energy to make friends here where I live. I only go into the office two days a week, so sometimes I feel pretty isolated. But it's my fault. I can't imagine what would happen if I didn't have my computer at my beck and call. We have five computers between the two of us (two desktops, two company laptops, and my own personal laptop), so there's no chance of not getting to a computer!
I guess this long novel is my way of saying that I understand. I wish we could just go out for coffee or something, know what I mean?
Lots and lots of hugs~
((((((((((A))))))))))))))
First off, don't you go and compare yourself to other people. Everybody has their thing that pushes at them, and your feelings are always justified simply because they are your feelings.
I was off work for a year once, after some surgeries, and I wasn't exactly bored, because I have no problem amusing myself. But I was unhappy and frustrated, and irritable most of the time. I was jealous of other people for the simplest things, and I was constantly on the verge of tears. I figured out that I feel very strongly that I need to be giving in some way. That I need to be useful. I constantly would tell my mom that I was a dredge on society and that I was taking and taking and giving nothing back. Even if I didn't do the job I do, I think I would still have felt that way. It's hard to know that everyone around you is driven in some way and you're not. And so many of us at least begin our social circles at work that when you're in a new place and you want friends that aren't the female half of your man's friends you have limited options on finding them.
I'm not going to offer advice because I am 140% sure that you can work this one out on your own. But I wanted to be sure you knew that it makes sense and that you are definitely not the only one to have felt this.
more hugs, whenever you need 'em
R
Big, big hugs, A!!
Oh, if I could've cried at work I would've today! (But for me, it's MS.)
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