Better today
Thanks to all of you for your comments, you all said something that made me feel better - all completely different yet all useful. Thank you.
I guess I'm being hard on myself. I honestly thought that moving would be a cinch - I've done it many times, I've made friends, I've driven around discovering the area, I've just 'done' and it's gotten me by. Sitting around waiting for things to happen never worked for anyone.
Yesterday felt like the bottom. I'm PMSing still so hearing a song by Seal today at the gym made me cry, for no other reason than the sweet sound of notes and vocals. For this I know there is some hormone involved. I haven't felt this way in awhile. I used to feel the way I felt yesterday ALL THE TIME. As E said though, I've learned that my circumstances are not me and I usually recover right away. Sometimes you just have to feel sorry for yourself, I guess.
Today I got a bit more organized, as I said I would. I set my alarm to wake up early, M and I ended up chatting for a long time instead of me going to the gym. Those are fantastic chats and I cherish them. It was worth staying in bed. Then I got up, made coffee, had a bit of breakfast and went to the library. I finally got my resume downloaded and was going to print it out, until I realized they didn't have the most recent MS Word software. So I just sent a copy to me so I could work on it, then access it from an internet cafe and head down to the US Embassy to see what I can find.
Next I decided some retail therapy was in order. I have been really tight with my money, since I don't have a job. I moved a savings account over here and am trying to stay within that budget. I don't even allow myself to think of my earnings from the sale of my condo, that is for another time, I don't want to dig into that. It's silly, but it's my rule. It is my savings and my 401k since I'm not working right now. But I digress. I went shopping for things for the house and Cmas gifts. I got some things for the house that we have needed for *weeks*. It bugs me that these things have been unfinished for so long. I think I'd been waiting for M to say yes before I bought them. I decided to stop waiting and just buy them. Just fixing the lightbulbs in the diningroom made me feel 100 percent better.
Then I put up the Cmas lights in the front window. I have to admit it, I don't like to consult with people about 'how does this look?'. If you aren't going to do it yourself, don't tell me how to do it. I admit it rankles me. I started putting up the lights and I started getting the suggestions from the peanut gallery. I must have given him a look because he left the room and let me do it myself! LOL
Anyhow, it's done and I feel GOOD. I'd love to get a little wreath for the door. We are getting a tree tomorrow. This will be my first Cmas decorating and I'm excited to have someone to decorate for/with.
Later I went to the gym. I DO feel better. I know that yesterday was a culmination of needing to have something to do, some sort of accomplishment, some sort of role. M isn't responsible for my happiness, I'M responsible for my happiness and if that means, getting the little jobs done, that's what it is.
So that's it for now. I'm feeling better for now. I think it will go up and down. But it feels good knowing that I have people out there who give me great support. I know I can come here and get perspective. And that's desperately what I need sometimes...
I guess I'm being hard on myself. I honestly thought that moving would be a cinch - I've done it many times, I've made friends, I've driven around discovering the area, I've just 'done' and it's gotten me by. Sitting around waiting for things to happen never worked for anyone.
Yesterday felt like the bottom. I'm PMSing still so hearing a song by Seal today at the gym made me cry, for no other reason than the sweet sound of notes and vocals. For this I know there is some hormone involved. I haven't felt this way in awhile. I used to feel the way I felt yesterday ALL THE TIME. As E said though, I've learned that my circumstances are not me and I usually recover right away. Sometimes you just have to feel sorry for yourself, I guess.
Today I got a bit more organized, as I said I would. I set my alarm to wake up early, M and I ended up chatting for a long time instead of me going to the gym. Those are fantastic chats and I cherish them. It was worth staying in bed. Then I got up, made coffee, had a bit of breakfast and went to the library. I finally got my resume downloaded and was going to print it out, until I realized they didn't have the most recent MS Word software. So I just sent a copy to me so I could work on it, then access it from an internet cafe and head down to the US Embassy to see what I can find.
Next I decided some retail therapy was in order. I have been really tight with my money, since I don't have a job. I moved a savings account over here and am trying to stay within that budget. I don't even allow myself to think of my earnings from the sale of my condo, that is for another time, I don't want to dig into that. It's silly, but it's my rule. It is my savings and my 401k since I'm not working right now. But I digress. I went shopping for things for the house and Cmas gifts. I got some things for the house that we have needed for *weeks*. It bugs me that these things have been unfinished for so long. I think I'd been waiting for M to say yes before I bought them. I decided to stop waiting and just buy them. Just fixing the lightbulbs in the diningroom made me feel 100 percent better.
Then I put up the Cmas lights in the front window. I have to admit it, I don't like to consult with people about 'how does this look?'. If you aren't going to do it yourself, don't tell me how to do it. I admit it rankles me. I started putting up the lights and I started getting the suggestions from the peanut gallery. I must have given him a look because he left the room and let me do it myself! LOL
Anyhow, it's done and I feel GOOD. I'd love to get a little wreath for the door. We are getting a tree tomorrow. This will be my first Cmas decorating and I'm excited to have someone to decorate for/with.
Later I went to the gym. I DO feel better. I know that yesterday was a culmination of needing to have something to do, some sort of accomplishment, some sort of role. M isn't responsible for my happiness, I'M responsible for my happiness and if that means, getting the little jobs done, that's what it is.
So that's it for now. I'm feeling better for now. I think it will go up and down. But it feels good knowing that I have people out there who give me great support. I know I can come here and get perspective. And that's desperately what I need sometimes...
posted by grrltraveler at Thursday, December 09, 2004
1 Comments:
I had to laugh about the Christmas lights thing. C bought some coloured ones to put in A's bedroom, but since he's not going to be back before Christmas, C took them out of there. There I was, lying in bed the other night and he brings this string of lights into the room. I put my book down, wondering what he's doing. Next thing I know, he's stringing the lights around this big, square mirror he has, and turns them on. So now his bedroom looks like some Hollywood starlet's dressing room, except there are little coloured lights, not big, bright white ones. All that's missing is the big fat brush and powder puffer! It was all I could do not to tell him that perhaps putting them around the window frame might have been a better idea. LOL
This has been my first Christmas truly decorating stuff (albeit his house), and I have to admit I got excited about it, despite my bah humbug attitude to the festive season.
Isn't it amazing how even fixing something small and simple can make you feel so much better? I'm glad you're happier.
E :-)
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