A topic for discussion
Ha, ha.. Anonymous G, you made me laugh. I put those 2 posts together and didn't even realize it. Yes, I guess I can't say I shouldn't sound like a lush when I obviously am! ;)
RG, the greasy food came after the true queasiness was gone. I don't know why it's greasy food for me, like bacon & eggs or something used to work but it was so far past breakfast, that I went for lunch. It seemed to do the trick although I have to admit a day on, I'm still feeling the effects and it's not pretty. That won't be happening again anytime soon.
Joe (jigga320), if you are okay and lurking out there, let me know. I hope all is okay.
M and I had an interesting talk this weekend. I know I've mentioned that sometimes we get onto the topic of what we are going to do with our future. As you know, he's been married and burned badly by it. In theory, neither of us care if we ever get married. The institution of it won't change how we feel for each other, we know we are committed and we are in for the long haul. But when the subject comes up for our future 'living' situation, therein lies the problem.
The easiest way for us to stay in the same place (he in the States, or me in the EU), would be for us to get married. If he is my spouse, after some paperwork is completed, he can live in America and work. If I am his spouse, I can get the same thing over here. He is adamant about not getting married for the sole reason of 'residency'. We always get to this same point and I understand his feelings.
This time I took it further. I said, is there some reason that you don't want to marry me? Do you feel like I could be a person you would marry? He said, of course. I said, well, it's been almost 3 years, do you feel like you know me well enough and love me enough to marry me? He said, yes. I said, couldn't you change your way of thinking so that instead of telling yourself you were marrying me for a green card, you could tell yourself you were marrying me because you love me? Because, in truth, you do? He said, yeeaaah, I suppose. We bandied it around some more. We were finishing the walk, having discussed what kind of wedding we'd have if we got married, another strange subject because his parents probably wouldn't come (them believing that his divorce really isn't a good thing in the eyes of the Lord) and I wouldn't be inclined to get married in the Catholic church. Besides that, I'm too old for a church wedding and just want to get married on a beach, or in my parents backyard, or on top of Machu Picchu or something like that. But I digress.. So I said, is it just that the truth of it is that you wouldn't get married if you didn't have to? He said, yes, that's probably true. And I realized it's true for me too. I would let our relationship go on forever without that piece of paper. I've never been one to think that I need to be married to have kids. I'd just get on with it whether I was married or not. So the truth is that I don't need to be married either. I'm in for the long haul, he's in for the long haul. The only thing keeping us from being together forever is the right place to live or... we could get married. It truly would be the reason then, that we got married. To be able to live in the same place. And in that case, is it a good enough reason? It's confusing, I know. It confuses us too. Sigh.
I really need to get a job. LOL
RG, the greasy food came after the true queasiness was gone. I don't know why it's greasy food for me, like bacon & eggs or something used to work but it was so far past breakfast, that I went for lunch. It seemed to do the trick although I have to admit a day on, I'm still feeling the effects and it's not pretty. That won't be happening again anytime soon.
Joe (jigga320), if you are okay and lurking out there, let me know. I hope all is okay.
M and I had an interesting talk this weekend. I know I've mentioned that sometimes we get onto the topic of what we are going to do with our future. As you know, he's been married and burned badly by it. In theory, neither of us care if we ever get married. The institution of it won't change how we feel for each other, we know we are committed and we are in for the long haul. But when the subject comes up for our future 'living' situation, therein lies the problem.
The easiest way for us to stay in the same place (he in the States, or me in the EU), would be for us to get married. If he is my spouse, after some paperwork is completed, he can live in America and work. If I am his spouse, I can get the same thing over here. He is adamant about not getting married for the sole reason of 'residency'. We always get to this same point and I understand his feelings.
This time I took it further. I said, is there some reason that you don't want to marry me? Do you feel like I could be a person you would marry? He said, of course. I said, well, it's been almost 3 years, do you feel like you know me well enough and love me enough to marry me? He said, yes. I said, couldn't you change your way of thinking so that instead of telling yourself you were marrying me for a green card, you could tell yourself you were marrying me because you love me? Because, in truth, you do? He said, yeeaaah, I suppose. We bandied it around some more. We were finishing the walk, having discussed what kind of wedding we'd have if we got married, another strange subject because his parents probably wouldn't come (them believing that his divorce really isn't a good thing in the eyes of the Lord) and I wouldn't be inclined to get married in the Catholic church. Besides that, I'm too old for a church wedding and just want to get married on a beach, or in my parents backyard, or on top of Machu Picchu or something like that. But I digress.. So I said, is it just that the truth of it is that you wouldn't get married if you didn't have to? He said, yes, that's probably true. And I realized it's true for me too. I would let our relationship go on forever without that piece of paper. I've never been one to think that I need to be married to have kids. I'd just get on with it whether I was married or not. So the truth is that I don't need to be married either. I'm in for the long haul, he's in for the long haul. The only thing keeping us from being together forever is the right place to live or... we could get married. It truly would be the reason then, that we got married. To be able to live in the same place. And in that case, is it a good enough reason? It's confusing, I know. It confuses us too. Sigh.
I really need to get a job. LOL
posted by grrltraveler at Wednesday, March 30, 2005
7 Comments:
Ya know.. actually I think that you're on the right track. If you "have" to get married for residency purposes, then it doesn't take away your original purpose for not wanting to get married.
Hmmmm, I think I'm writing in circles (almost as much as you!), but I think you know what I'm trying to say...
After my divorce, altho I never said that I "would never marry again!", because I know that that's a silly statement to make, especially at the age I was at, I just wasn't interested in doing it again. It just wasn't a goal for me anymore. Wasn't something I *needed*. And since B has never had that deep seated desire for a marriage, I was fine in our early talks about us possibly never marrying. No problem!
But for us it's a lot of things that go together. Does he want to marry me? Yes. Do I want to marry him? Yes. Would we be just as happy if we didn't? Yes. Would I have health coverage if I wasn't working in this particular job and we were unmarried? No. Would we be able to cohabitate in some of the areas that we're looking at living for short whiles as an unmarried couple? No.
In many ways, the purpose of marriage *isn't* a celebration of love. That's the purpose of the wedding, but marriage is often more for providing rights. Visitation in hospital in (god forbid) major emergencies. Financial decision-making and financial rights. There are a lot of legal benefits to being married, which was the original purpose of the institution (along with 'legitimacy' of offspring, no longer an issue really).
So (wow I ramble, don't I?) what I guess I'm saying is that as long as you're looking at the *relationship* based on love and commitment and emotions, then being pragmatic about a marriage is not a bad thing.
A,
Did you mean A Hundred and One Days by Asne Seierstad? Because I'd not heard of it and I checked it out it looks like something I'd enjoy. So if that was what you meant, THANKS! If not, well, er, thanks for pushing me in a direction where I found something I'd like anyway! ;)
Yep, that was exactly the book I meant. I thought you might be interested. ;)
anne
By the way, thanks to both of you for your comments. It's something for us to think about and discuss some more, I guess. :)
anne
even though my first marriage was mostly everything i *didn't* want in a marriage, i have always like the idea of being married.
happily married, that is.
don and i didn't have to marry, either. we're old folks - not planning to make babies. but, i wanted to marry him. i knew we would be happily married poeple, and i wanted that.
he feels that a deep commitment is as good as a marriage, but was very happy to comply with my wish to marry. (he asked ME, btw - with nooo pushing from my end - just to clarify)
i wanted to be his wife. i wanted to be able to call him my hubby. AND, as R points out, it makes life easier when it comes to medical benefits and financial nonsense.
i'm glad you and M are talking about it, now. i'm sure you'll decide, together, what fits for you.
hugs,
Anonymous G (MRS. Anonymous G)
Hopefully our friend with the long blogger nickname whose blog is down will be in touch soon. In the meantime, I will spread this much: she's fine. complicated, but she's fine.
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