Chillin'

I want to start this post giving hugs to RG. ((((((((((((((((((RG))))))))))))))))))) I read your alter-ego and thought I could post but it says i'm not a team player... team member.. something like that. I just want you to know that I hope you are doing okay, it sounds like a really hard issue to deal with and you being supportive of your husband is probably the most you can do. I'm sorry it's causing you pain..

That said, we had a really quiet weekend. Uneventful. I went to see 'Closer' on Friday.. interesting movie. Clive Owen is a hottie, if I do say so myself. Anyone else seen this? I left thinking 'did I like that? how did it make me feel?' and, not knowing, I came to the conclusion that it was a great movie because it left me thinking... which is more than I can say for most.

Friday night we had dinner with M's parents. I'd been doing my eating thing, like I mentioned a few posts ago... but at M's parents, I ate a plateful of food and I swear I had the worst stomach cramps that night. So, I realized maybe the last week I was being a little extreme, not eating enough.. I'll eat a bit more but just not go overboard, cut back portions and all. I've noticed it has affected my workouts as well. So I have to rethink my strategy a bit.. shouldn't be a problem. I suppose that's what it's all about..

The rest of the weekend I've been cooking. I know, not the best if you are trying to lose weight... but I made a quiche. It turned out yummy, I'm getting the hang of it anyhow. Then I made some chicken stock and made some chunky chicken soup today, which was lovely. I've finally achieved some level of cooking that I'm proud of... if people came over, I actually have a few dishes that I can make... not too hard, not too time consuming and yummy. So, I guess I can safely say that the best thing to come out of not working these past few months.... my newfound love and need to cook!!! It's really given me the time and incentive to create and I like it... I'm happy about it!! :) (Martin loves it too so that makes me feel even better!)

Last but not least, I decided I'm going to splash out on a laptop. I've been waiting all this time, thinking about applying for jobs, kind of going half hearted about it... Now M's online all day, I can't get on the computer unless he's gone (since he's using it to make money so we can live) so I've decided to take a little of my savings and buy a laptop, then teach myself C++ or whatever programming language is popular now. Just really spend some hours learning something... I'd forgotten I have the ability to teach myself things that may help me in the future... been focusing too much on what I'm not doing. Bleaah! Done with that... Time to move on.

Kalliope??

I've seen her commenting but her blog isn't changing? Is she out there? Everything ok? I just thought I would check.. since the end of the month is coming.. anyone know anything?

((((((((((((((kalliope)))))))))))))))

a

A goal, of sorts

One of the things I like most about Ireland would be the irish people's ability to be comfortable in their own skin. I'm not sure if that says what I need so I'll explain. When I visited in 2002 for three months, the first thing I did was run out and join a gym. I hadn't worked out for 6 months since I'd been traveling and I needed to. I was the heaviest I'd ever been when I lived here - mostly because I LOVE chips (big fat french fries, only better) and I love beer. I went to the gym day in and day out but didn't make much of a dent, I'm afraid...

At that time, I noticed, there weren't a lot of gyms to choose from in the area near M's house. Gym going didn't seem to an all-consuming passion like it could be in the Bay Area (I thought I'd narrow it down to where I lived, since I couldn't speak for all of America). The pub life prevailed, weekends filled with drinking pints or mixed drinks, pub food consisting of a variety of things usually served with 2 servings of potatoes (chips and boiled, chips and roasted, chips and baked... you get the picture). Even the salad isn't like we think about at home, usually a bit of lettuce with a few different types - potato salad, cole slaw, pasta salad - something with mayo involved usually. I'd say losing weight was an uphill battle.

Fast forward, I'm here now. Gyms are picking up speed. I joined a gorgeous brand new gym, each piece of cardio equipment has a flat screen TV in front of it. You just plug in your earplugs and watch your episode of Oprah or Dr Phil or whatever. It's nice. And it's busy. Not early in the morning like my gym in Mountain View (5am there was a group of us and it picked up steadily before 8am) but during the afternoon and evenings. Gym going has boomed. It's great. Still, the average Irish woman's body isn't a size 2, that's for sure. It's obvious that the chips are still being consumed, the beer or drinks on the weekend. But women here seem a lot more comfortable with their bellies than we would be at home. They actually flaunt 'em here. Even my yoga instructor, who used to be a professional dancer, has a belly. I'm used to my yoga instructors at home being thin. It's actually nice to see someone 'normal' teaching you.

So anyhow, I've been kind of enjoying life, you might say, as far as the eating thing goes. I noticed I was getting a little belly and it's easy to let it go. I'm always bundled in warm clothes and hardly ever see my body. Warm, rich food is what you want when you are cold. A yummy Bailey's coffee is perfect on a chilly night (ouch on the Baileys AND the cream involved there).
Even before I came here, well.. I'm getting on 37 and I weigh 176lb and every year I probably gain a pound.. can you imagine how big I'll be when I'm 47, or when we finally decide to have kids? Still, I have an athletic build so I may or may not carry it off well. I don't know. The problem is I can't tell if I'm getting too big. Friends never tell you you might want to watch your weight. Like I'm not uncomfortable with my body, I'm happy with it, but I just don't want to get out of control.

I've gone back to something I learned last year from a nutritionist I went to. I've started eating only when I'm hungry. I'm sure you're laughing saying, 'well, duh' but the truth is I love food. If I have some food that I love, I want to eat a lot of it. (don't we all?) I grew up finishing everything on my plate, my mom was into that. So, I'm used to eating what I have, instead of what I need. So I'm trying to eat only when I'm hungry but then, I can eat what I want. Just not a ton of it. Just until I'm comfortably full. I'm supposed to be 'more aware' of what I'm eating so I can't eat in front of the TV either. Because I can't eat until I'm hungry, I've found that I try harder to balance things, eat more fruit that sort of thing. Because if a little cookie can fill me, I'm screwed and can't eat again until I'm hungry. ;)

Needless to say, it's going to be a bit of a challenge. I don't want to be obsessive and hopefully I won't be. Obviously, it'll be easier when M is out of town since I won't be eating meals with him. The challenge will be when he's here and I'm cooking for us, when he asks me if i want some ice cream when we are sitting on the couch watching tv, when we want to go out with friends. I'm making it my goal though. Most definitely for this length of time before my trip to Maui (bikini time) but hopefully I will do it long enough that it will become a habit. Because I feel that a change is in the air for me. I have to start now.

I have to laugh...

So here I am... I have hours and hours during the day when I can be online, reading blogs, writing my blog, chatting with friends. And my blog buddies have been mostly silent!! Life is so unfair! LOL Anyhow, I hope you are all doing well, feeling better, makin' luv. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

I spent last evening reading how to make changes to my blog. You may have noticed a few. I want to add a sidebar similar to R's, so R... would you mind if i stole some of your source code? (I thought I should ask first... ) I downloaded Mozilla. I love the way this looks sooooo much better than IE. I like seeing my Yahoo email in it too. I don't know what it is but it's better. Yep, I keep accidently clicking the IE button before the Mozilla button but that's just a habit that needs to be changed.

Hopefully I'll be able to change things around a bit, keep getting it prettier or funkier or whatever. So I apologize in advance if you see things like this just so I can practice. (I hope that works!) Anyhow, it's nice to have the time to play around.. maybe I'll eventually get around to mostlyrisible (decided not to put the link here since I haven't asked in advance if that's okay) and having my own website that I've created. When I buy the laptop (if I can get logged into Dell's website, darnit!), I'll have the ability to play around all day, if I want. :)

So, that's all for this post. I'll write another one with different stuff.

Ahhhhh...

...some time alone. M decided to go to the other house to do some work. He'll be gone until Thursday. I hope it doesn't sound awful, but I'm glad he's getting out for a bit. I get some chill time in the house, on the computer, some much needed time alone. When he's here, he's in the house ALL day. He works in our office most of the day but he's never gone. He's stopped driving the taxi, so he doesn't go out in the evenings. (Ok, that I don't mind so much. I love having him home on Thurs, Fri and Sat nights, I have to say) Unless I suggest a walk or hike, he doesn't go on his own. He rarely leaves on his own, rarely goes out for pints/lunch with friends, although i suggest it.

I go to the gym most days (that's two hours out of the house) and yoga twice a week (that's also about 2 hours away when you include the class and driving out to it). I go to the supermarket, to the library, to the animal shelter. Not every day but I DO get out. That isn't really time alone to me, since I'm with other people. I'm 'doing' not 'being'. There's something about enjoying your place alone. ahh.. I DO like it.

I'm ALWAYS glad when he comes home. I've missed him, his presence, his hugs, his smile. I don't really want him to be gone three days (although he gets more done in the house there when he stays overnight) but since that's the only time he leaves the house, it's a nice respite. I usually think of something fun to make for dinner when he comes home, knowing he's usually chilled to the bone, since the heat is off in that house. I always welcome him home.

But I live for this space... I don't usually call anyone or make plans either. I just enjoy. I chat online with my friends in the evenings, I get my email responded to, I check the other blogs, the LDR site. It's a beautiful thing.

I may even blog each day! Maybe even twice a day!

Something I was thinking about...

Seems I'm always thinking about my posts when I try to go to bed at night.. What ends up happening is that it keeps me awake, writing out the post in my head, and I lay there for a long time without falling asleep. Another place I think about what I'm going to blog about is in the car, when I'm driving to the gym, or yoga. I never remember what I was going to say by the time I get home, however. LOL

Tonight I decided to get up and blog. I was thinking of something M said to me, something that he says often and I'm always curious about my response. He said, 'you know you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.' I always say thanks but I always tend to go off and think about it, overanalyze it you might say, the 'old A' I like to call it.

The 'old A' thought too much about everything, how each comment reflected something about her, whatever. I don't do this too often and I certainly didn't do this when he made this comment. I guess I've dated enough guys in my time that have used lines like this. (it may or may not have been a line, i'm sure he probably believes this to be true, i'm not trying to judge him.. :)) My experience tells me that this has never before been an accurate statement, or maybe it is true. AT THAT MOMENT, I was the best thing that ever happened to that person.. I don't know.

What I DO know, is that I probably would never say that to anyone. I don't think a person should be the best thing to ever happen to someone. Sure, the love of your life is a wonderful thing and that person may make us immensely happy.. I'm not going to tell other people what they should think but FOR ME, I just never have felt these words want to pass my lips. (well, maybe they did when I was young, I don't remember that either!)

The best thing that has happened in my life was saying goodbye to the 'old A'. It was more about me than somebody else. I hope that doesn't make me egotistical or selfish or callous. It was learning that A is a person to be reckoned with, that I matter, that people should give a shit about whether they hurt me or treat me poorly. It was realizing that I was smarter than i ever gave myself credit for, that I was more capable than I ever thought, that I was BRAVE even, for traveling the world on my own - wait, not even 'traveling' but just leaving home to travel on my own, full stop. Most people wouldn't do that. It wasn't until after I traveled and came home that I gave myself credit for any of these things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I hope this post didn't sound like I am full of myself but I AM so I guess it's okay. I know you girls will still like me because you are all smart, capable women as well. Who've learned your lessons as well and know who YOU are. So, I know.. it's a weird thing to post about but it was on my mind. I'm not even sure if it made any sense.... LOL

G'night

A night out...

Last night we went to the movies. I've only been once since I've been here and I'm usually a regular goer. Usually I go alone so I can see whatever I want. I'm pretty sure I'll start doing that again but for whatever reason, I've stopped. Anyhow.

We got all dolled up for date night. We drove into Dublin to try a new theater. They have about 15 screens. Although it was 5€ to park for 2 hours ($6.50) at least they offered parking... It is impossible to park downtown in Dublin. The theater was on 4 floors, the first had the ticket counters. This floor was packed with people who hadn't bothered to buy their tickets online first... poor sods. We got our tickets out of the machine and bypassed everyone! Upstairs, there was a cafe/bar. so if you got to your movie early, there was actually a lovely comfy place to sit and have something to eat or drink. M and I both thought it was great since you don't really see it too often (except maybe at the Metreon in downtown SF).

We went up a further flight to our movie. The snacks were there. Normally I love movie popcorn at home. I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for 'butter flavored topping' prefering normal butter but whatever. It's the only place I eat popcorn and I love it. I could (and do) eat a big tub. (there. i've told you. i'm not ashamed! i'm not! just call me porky.) Sadly, movie theaters in Dublin (well, the two I've been to so far) don't serve butter flavored topping but they DO LIKE SALT. :( Don't get me wrong, I ate it. But I didn't like it as much. But the setup was a lot easier to get around, and the lines shorter, than in the States. It costs the same astronomical amount as at home too! LOL

Another interesting fact about going to the movies here is that they assign seats. So when you walk into the theater, there is someone to show you to your assigned seats. We had good ones. But it was a bit odd for me. I usually like going in and sitting wherever you want. But if the movie is newer to the theater (this one was - Million Dollar Baby) then you get decent seats without having to wait forever in line. I liked it! The movie was great, unexpected because I knew very little about it (unlike at home where I probably would've seen or heard so much about it that I would've known the twists) and I could see why Clint Eastwood won a Golden Globe. (Not so sure about Hilary Swank.)

Afterwards we left and decided to go for a drink. We went to a pub closer to home that we like. The place was hopping but not packed, we were able to find a seat and ever since they started the smoking ban in places of work, the pub has been a pleasant place for me to be. I love the buzz. We actually talked to a bloke next to us who was drunk but friendly. Once he heard my American accent, he wanted to know what I thought about Dublin. I hate when people ask this question and usually I try to dodge it. I'm not good at lying and I try to say 'lovely' and change the subject. I DO think there are good things but as you all know, I also feel there are not good things. I can't really go around saying, well, i love the reg plates, and the chips are good, and i like a guinness every now and again.. So, I just turned the conversation to him and then he had to go. It made my day that someone talked to us, even if he was drunk. He was a nice drunk. LOL

After the pints, we went home. It was a nice night out with my honey. We don't have them too often, so I really love them. :))

One of those goofy things about Dublin that I like

Ok, I know you guys are going to think I'm bonkers after this but here it goes...

When you buy a new car here in Ireland, the 'reg plate' (our license plate) has the numbers in a format that lists the year of your car, the county of purchase and the number of car purchased that year. So if you have a 1995 Subaru Legacy purchased in Kilkenny, your reg plate will look lik 95-KK-45607 (assuming that your car was the 45,607 car purchased that year.) At the beginning of the next year, the numbering starts over at 1 and adds up throughout that year. I have to say that I find this interesting, it keeps me occupied searching (even while I am driving, I'm afraid) for the latest 05 reg plate. I saw 05-D-9150 on my way back from the gym, the highest I've seen this year so far. (I know, I know, you're starting to wonder. LOL)

In the year 2000, the year the "Celtic tiger" was at its highest, there were 107,000 or so cars sold in Dublin. I think it's the best year ever. Last year, the highest we've seen is only about 72,000. When I see a 85 reg Mercedes or something equally posh, I am impressed. That person made their money BEFORE the Celtic tiger and it's impressive. Nowadays, Mercs are a dime a dozen here in Dublin (also 5-series BMWs) so it's not even that interesting anymore. A Jeep Grand Cherokee which I think costs about $45k in the States, costs upwards of €80k or ($104k with todays exchange rate), which makes me want to look in the window of that car to see what celebrity is in there (there never is.. or maybe I just don't know them). A Hyundai Sonata goes for €35000 (you can get them in the States for $16k I think.).

One of M's friends actually bought a used 2002/03? Volvo S40 (i think) from his wife's uncle. The day they brought it home, before they even had a chance to insure it, someone broke into their house, stole the keys that were laying on a sideboard in the hall, and drove off with the car! Why would you keep anything of value? That you park outside? ah well. Different strokes for different folks.

Anyhow, that was just an observation. Something I thought I'd write about. I have others, so you'll be hearing more from me. ;)

Pop music

I always thought the American radio stations were bad.. From the 80's, I've always been a fan of 'alternative' bands from England - Duran Duran, Thompson Twins, Madness, Talk Talk, Tears for Fears, Depeche Mode etc, etc. I know more British music than M, he's always surprised when I come up with some obscure band.. surprised that I know them. But it was my life then, music was what kept me from doing destructive things to myself... someone always related to me. I've always been and am still a big fan of meaningful lyrics and songs that speak to me. On my short trips to London when I was younger, I'd always come home with an unreleased Cure album or Spandau Ballet or something that didn't get to America for months later, if ever. Even now, the British bands I like don't get a lot of airplay at home.. I have branched out in my old age though and I like a lot more music than I used to. I like classic and progressive rock, I like punk, I like jazz, I like funky rap like the Black Eyed Peas. At home, if I didn't like a song playing, I could change the station and USUALLY find something I liked. I don't know how many stations there are in the Bay Area (100's I think) but I had about 7 programmed in my car. I only drove 10 minutes each way to work most times and I could push all 7 programmed stations and never find a song I liked.

The other times I've been to Ireland, I always loved the radio stations. I could hear Coldplay or Travis (bands I like now) or Jamiroquai on MTV. I always thought that was cool because you'd almost never get Jamiroquai on the radio at home. Or Style Council. I could go on. But recently I've noticed that the music on the radio here really sucks. There's only about 6 stations total in Ireland (if you go to northern ireland, you pick up BBC stations and those are great, by the way) but recently it seems that pop music reigns surpreme. Boy bands and girl bands are rampant (and suck, in my opinion) and remakes are becoming the bane of my existance (don't any of these bands write their own songs?). There is a remake of a Pretenders song on the radio. I'll Stand By You, a nice ballad that Chrissie Hynde nails perfectly. Why, oh why did Girls Aloud have to do a remake? It tortures me daily. (because it's played all the time right now) There's more, believe me, I just can't remember them at the moment....

I could go on forever but this is already too long.. LOL. There are a few artists here that I really like and I know they don't really make it stateside. Robbie Williams (I always thought he was all attitude but recently have started to like him) used to be a boy band, left the band and went out on his own. He's tattooed and has had a lot of interesting press in the States, but he sings kind of pop music that somehow manages to be okay (he sang 'Misunderstood' in the recent Bridget Jones movie). There's a song by a guy called Lemar ('If There's Any Justice'), kind of soul music, nice voice. I even like Kylie Minogue (but I think that's just because the rest of the music is so crappy that even her songs sound good).

And if you've heard the new version of 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' you'll know what I mean. The first one 20 years ago had voices I recognized, bands that I loved. This one, while still having some singers I like (Chris Martin, Dido, the guy from Keane) has mostly people I've never heard of and with good reason. They are so plain and uninteresting, I'm still wondering how they made radio play here. If you haven't heard it, just donate the money and leave the CD. It'll just create more waste in the landfills in the future.

Fun times had by all

Last night was a hit. Last month we had met with a friend of M's and his girlfriend. We agreed, that night, that we would start a sort of dinner club. We would pick a country and make foods from that country, the other couple would bring wine or dessert from that country. We had a lot to drink that night and somehow Germany became the choice of the month. I don't know about you, but I don't know too many German delicacies and after living in Ireland for 4 months now, I was pretty sure that anything I wanted, I probably wouldn't be able to find anyway.

After putting things off til the last minute, I got online and looked for some German recipes. Sure enough, I noted things like bratwurst and sauerkraut (which I love but knew I'd never find bratwurst here... too spicy) or spatzel or other strange culinary delights. I asked M to call his friend, tell him we'd do mexican and hope that was ok. It was. Thank God!

So our guests arrived with a bottle of tequila and cointreau and I knew it was going to be a good night!! LOL G made margaritas and I was in heaven. I wasn't thrilled with how my salsa turned out (really should've worked harder to find the fresh serrano chiles instead of using jalapenos) - not spicy enough. I heated up some refried beans, topped with cheese, to dip the chips in. M made quesadillas, which went off a hit, and we still had the enchiladas in the oven! It was a decadent night of food, that's for sure. It was wonderful and M woke up hung over, I felt a little worse for wear but not as bad as he. I still managed to drag him out in the sunshine and cold, crisp air for a nice walk in the hills. Boy was that a much needed breath of fresh air. Sure helped clear off the cobwebs.

So, all is well and I'm off to eat some more salsa, I think. Maybe overnight it's managed to get a little spicier (that's how it used to work anyhow). I'll keep you posted!

Mexican fiesta

A small miracle has occurred. I found tortilla chips! Ones without flavoring, which seemed to be difficult to find here. All the 'crisps' as they are called here ('chips' are the awesome french fry that actually contain some potato) have some odd flavors. While I DO like the salt and vinegar flavor (not too popular in the States but crazy over here) and the thai chili flavor, I'm not a fan of cheese and onion or bacon flavored or black pepper and smoked ham... Whereas in America, we'd have a huge row of 'chips' in large size bags, here the row is about 1/3 the size and the bags are too. (Obesity is still a problem though. I think it's the drink!LOL) But I digress...

So, we are having a couple over tonight and I'm making my attempt at mexican food. Chicken enchiladas, a little refried beans w/cheese on the side, some sauteed peppers in a bit of enchilada sauce. We made a mean (re: with a kick) salsa which is currently steeping in the refridgerator. It gets more kick as the hours pass... Now if only we could have found some Corona, Tecate, Pacifico or Simpatico. My day would've been complete. :) But it's not half bad, I must say. Not half bad.

My week in review

I had a good week and I get a little alone time this evening, as M is off driving the taxi for a few hours. Most of the week was spent finishing the painting of the kitchen and doing odds and ends. We got a lot accomplished and it feels good. I've kind of put my foot down and said that we must finish the one room, before we start on another, and it's going pretty well. I still need to paint the trim (they call it skirting board), M needs to finish the tile backsplash and filling in odd pieces of wood missing from when he installed the kitchen cabinets. I also need to clean and sand the wooden curtain rod and paint it. We decided against new curtain rods since they will stay with the house when we sell but splashed out on expensive curtains which will come with us. I know, VERY exciting. :)

Tuesday night I met an American woman for dinner. She was introduced to me from the ex-IRA guy that we had dinner with back in December. We had dinner downtown and she was nice enough. Asked that I send her my resume and she'd try and get me hooked up, either with Trinity College (where she works) or doing work for a Well Woman's Center (computer work) or the Rape Crisis Clinic (also computer work). She also mentioned introducing me to another friend of hers, more my age, just so I might have a chance to make friends. I think I must have come off as desperate and I suppose I am. I loved having a bit of ME time - out with a friend that wasn't M's friends, doing my own thing. He told me to call him when I was finished, he would pick me up (about 30 minutes into downtown) but I took the street car to a place closer to the house and called him from there to pick me up. It's amazing how something so little just gives me back a little feeling of independence.

I started up at the gym again this week, after a bit of a break. Again, it feels good. I swear I am the only person who smiles when i am listening to music and running on the treadmill. Gosh it makes me happy. (Which reminds me that the American woman - she's lived here for 30 years - thought it was a little odd that I smile at everyone. She thinks it's unusual and isn't surprised that people didn't respond to me! Huh.) I also was meant to start my new yoga class. It's in a different place than the last class so I mapped out the directions to the place with M, then drove down a few days before to find it, which I did. When I went down on Thursday for the class however, it had been changed to an earlier time and I didn't know, so I missed the class anyway. M asked me later if I was mad that I missed the class and I laughed and said that that kind of defeats the purpose if I was! LOL

This morning I got a message from our European IT manager, from my old company. He told me he gave my name to the new European IT manager for Applied Materials (who bought out my old company) as this guy is looking for a full time IT person in their DUBLIN office!!! So, there is a very good chance I am meeting this guy on Monday, as he is in town for meetings. We talked briefly this morning and I will know more on Monday! YAHOO!

And all this right after I rescheduled my trip home. I decided to extend my trip. I'm leaving here on the 16th of Feb, returning on the 3rd of March. I will visit my friends, go to Maui AND visit my parents. Hopefully none of my flights will be delayed else it will all fall apart! :)

Making a list, checking it twice

Let me start out by saying this - our little fostered doggie got a home!! When I went into the animal shelter today, they told me she was adopted the day we brought her back (M said it should make us feel better that we brought her back that day!) by a woman in her 50's. That made me ever so happy!!!

List of things to bring back from the States:

* color photo printer (twice the price in Ireland than in the US)
* laptop? possibility (ditto)
* tortilla chips (2 bags of Mission or Santitas, carry on)
* at least 5 pounds coffee (Starbucks, Peets, Torrafazione, Seattle's best, you get the picture)
* Reese's peanut butter cups (I never ate these at home but have been craving them)
* Pureology (my shampoo and conditioner, the huge bottles)
* M's shampoo and conditioner (dandruff formula that he can't find here)
* Clinique moisturizer and eye liner pencil (again, twice as expensive here)

Other things to do:
* make appointment with my dentist for cleaning

Ok, I know you probably didn't need to know all this but it helps me keep track. LOL

A moment on my own

Ok. as far as the hair goes... here's the before and after photos. I will leave it public about a week or so, for lack of a better way to do it. :)

..gone now..

Sunday night.. it's getting harder and harder to get online. Seems most days now, M is on most of the day with the online trading. At least I try to leave it to him and not get into reading everyone's blogs and responding during daytime hours so he can work on it. In the evenings then, I again feel 'guilty' for spending my time locked up in the boxroom instead of spending time with him. Sure, he's watching tv and I don't really like tv. Given my choice, I'd read a book or chat online with friends. But I feel like I at least need to be in the room with him, otherwise we end up like two ships passing in the night, when we are actually in the same house all day.

I know all that stuff about how the guilt is my issue, I need to have my time with my friends (whether online or in person) and I haven't been. I struggle with balancing the two things. If I was home, I'd want to go out with my girlfriends once in a while. I'd probably talk to them on the phone more often and it would be fine. I know rationally there shouldn't be any reason I don't spend my evenings online (at least a few). M hasnt been driving the taxi lately, even though I've actually been hoping he'd go out so I could get online and have a good chat with the girls, write a post or two and respond to my friends' blogs. Then I feel a little guilty about wishing he'd drive the taxi and give me some space! LOL I really need to get a bit of a life! :)

To be fair, he's really good at being aware of my needs. He knows I am more social and like to be doing things. He just asked me what I'd like to be doing in the evenings and he's been making an effort. I guess it's just because I am home all the time, that it seems more necessary than ever that I get out of the house on occasion. He's trying to make that happen for me and I love him for that.

He just came in here and we were discussing our plans for this year. We always get stuck here as we don't know what we are going to do. I am here and can't work. If he comes to the States, he can't work (basically because he doesn't have a definite career at this point) so then what? He's the same as me, only there. Sure, the weather is nicer but do I want to subject him to this? Not really. It isn't the answer. I don't know what it is right now. I guess I need to do some more thinking...

Short little post

This week has been rather productive. That makes me happy. I ran a ton of errands on Tuesday, got my haircut on Wednesday and helped M paint the dining area today.

Because the wind has been blowing like a banshee the last few days, I decided something needed to be done with my hair. So, I... ahem... got it all cut off. It's quite short now and I'm relieved. I'd worn it short for years, then when I decided to travel I grew it out (tying it back seemed easier than anything else). As the last couple years have gone by, it's progressively gotten shorter. Now, it's about as short as it can go without being a buzzcut. Even better, M loves it. (I've never had a boyfriend love my hair short.) An added bonus! We had a night out last night, to celebrate my new 'do - headed into Dublin for dinner. It's changed so much since his single days, I think, there is a lot of money floating around and good restaurants and funky bars are everywhere you turn. It's not much different than San Francisco, to be honest. I love the buzz. We had a lovely night.

Today we accomplished a bit more. We painted the dining area together. A nice cappuccino color. Yes, that was me painting and receiving instruction from him on the finer points of painting. We actually did okay. I didn't get too defensive and I tried to ask questions to make it seem like I didn't know everything (hmm. sometimes I struggle with admitting that! LOL). It was good and the color is gorgeous. We will do one wall tomorrow a mocha color to add a little something different. I am impressed that we managed to agree on colors that we are happy with. It's all good.

That's all from me today. Spent more time catching up with the girls... Talk more soon....

A new day, a fresh outlook

I had to giggle after reading R's post. Of course what she says is accurate - there isn't much interrelation between having dogs and having kids and a few days after the feeling was written here, I've already forgotten about it all. Yes, I'm hard on myself. It's not new and I'm sure that theme will come up again in all future bloggings! LOL Thanks to you all for your wise words and hugs.

Today feels good. I got a lot accomplished, including applying for a job with the U.S. Embassy. I received an email back asking if I had a work permit. Funny, I thought that I couldn't get a work permit until I got the job offer.... so that job has gone by the wayside. What I DID find out is that my field is highly needed here and I could get a work permit in the States to make it easier to find work here. I didn't know this. Apparently I was looking at the wrong websites. Doh! Anyhow, the problem is that I have to be IN the U.S. to apply for this permit. Hm. I sent a few emails to the Irish embassy in SF and Chicago, asking for clarification. I'll keep you posted. If I do things right, I could fix it up when I go home in February and come back here to work. If it doesn't work, I may be stuck entertaining myself in other ways for the next six months- volunteering, gymrat, etc.

So, I spent today making a grocery run, cleaning the house (the floors needed a serious mopping), putting away Cmas decorations, buying some vitamins. I went for a walk at the park nearby - it started raining while I was walking (but I was prepared) and the rain blew over shortly and there was the best sunset!! It was gorgeous and I couldn't help but smiling. Of course, I was smiling the whole time anyway, I usually do when I'm out walking. I love being outside and I love the fact that the sun was shining.

Today I decided to take a 'survey'. I smiled at EVERY single person who passed me. (I didn't say hi today, I thought I'd see what came up). Out of 100 people I passed, I received one genuine freaking happy smile, 3 moderately happy-do-i-know-this-girl-or-something smiles, and 96 grimaces or face-down-i-must-not-look-at-this-person. Not one said hi. I'm not surprised. People here don't seem happy to me. I always thought Silicon Valley's were unfriendly but these people rank above that in the sourpuss category. Now, granted, I don't know what's going on in their lives. Maybe all 96 people had a bad day and didn't want to smile. Maybe ALL 96 were still hungover from last weekend. It's just an observation from this girl. If you were anything like me, you'd have this idea that the irish are the friendliest people in the world. But I'm challenging that notion. And they'd come up a bit short. And don't tell me it's SAD, the weather has been pretty darn nice, considering.

Okay, that's my gripe for the day! LOL I promise sunshine and light tomorrow. LOL

It's time to move on

I'm not really a fan of the holidays, at the best of times. I like to do things and see people and sitting home because most places are closed.... well, it starts to get to me. They get a lot more days off for the holidays than we would in the States. I suppose if I was working, I'd love the break. Right now, it just seems a bit to be dragging on.

(I hate the fact that that whole paragraph sounded whiney. I mean, i didn't lose everything I owned or everyone I loved in a tsunami. i have no right to whine.)

I haven't been doing much. That's for sure. Haven't been writing in my blog even though I had plenty of time. I don't know why. I guess being frustrated with myself and my lack of accomplishing has come up again. I wanted the new year to start and my mood to improve before I came on and wrote! Ah well.

So, we had the little houseguest. Here she is:


I hope that worked. She was a lovely little thing. We had her for 6 days... She was pretty quiet at first but slowly started to feel more and more comfortable. (meaning: she got up and down off the couch whether we wanted her to or not!). The second day, M went out and bought her a bone. It was good, kept her occupied, especially when we needed to keep her out of the room (she wanted to eat our food, drink our wine, our beer, etc). The third day I started noticing holes dug up all over the back garden. Then I started to notice myself being annoyed for the holes in the garden. The days passed. Sometimes she was cute and loveable, sometimes she drove me nuts. By the last day, everytime she sat with me, she would be biting (puppy bites) my arm, my shoe, anything that wasn't nailed down in the house, the leg on the kitchen table. I knew I couldn't deal with much more. I liked her but she drove me bonkers. She disrupted my order in the house - the garden and the house are the only thing I have control over and she was messing it up. And I realized then, painfully, that it's possible I was not cut out to have a dog. It crushed me. I cried more over that than actually bringing her back, although that made us both very sad. I felt very cruel leaving her in. Like what kind of people were we that we didn't adopt her.

Even now, I find myself saying 'well, if she was going to stay, things would be different. we'd have a dog run. we'd train her. we'd figure out someway she could be outside while we were away from the house.' I do believe that. I don't want to believe that I'm not cut-out to be a pet owner. Frankly, after this whole experience, I was starting to wonder if I was cut-out to be a parent. That feeling has started to subside a bit but it's there in the back of my mind.

So, besides having the dog over, we didn't do too much. We had a lovely Cmas and New Years, nothing to write about though. We didn't do anything spectacular. Just your normal run of the mill, family event. Quiet. Relaxing. It was great.

Last but not least. I booked my flight home for February. I'm taking that time off with my friend in Maui. I may extend it and see my parents, as I haven't heard anything on the job front. But I'm definitely going to Maui. I need it. I'll write more later..

Goodnight.